That’s like asking if a guy and girl can have a platonic friendship, isn’t it? The question is given the possibility of a sexual/romantic connection, can a relationship exist even without it?
Okay, let me get out of the pseudo-intellectualising and go real-life. I do know some lesbians. One of them is a friend. She hasn’t actually ‘come out’ as they call it or even ‘confessed’ to me, if such a revelation can be labelled a confession (as if it were a crime and one should look shamefaced about it!). Yet, I know. Don’t ask me how. I’d be a terrible friend if I didn’t realise it. As it is, I’m probably not as great a friend as I ought to be if she hasn’t felt comfortable sharing the truth with me. Or perhaps it is just too personal, too precious to her to speak about it. Either way, I’m fine with it. After all, I don’t consider friendship as a permission to sit in judgement and I also don’t think that one’s orientation bears judgement by others.
So that’s as far as it goes regarding our conversations (or the lack of them) about her sexuality. However there are other things…undercurrents, emotions and grey areas. For example, how far do I go with my displays of affection? I’m a natural born hugger, I love hugging my family, friends and people I feel close to. Thus far the only complication has been with men, particularly the ones in my age bracket with whom there is/could be a a certain attraction. Like most other women, I’ve tried and tested the waters and reached a certain comfortable balance of physical promiximity with the various men in my life. Now we arrive at the new complication of having to consider the same thing with another woman as well.
Personally I believe that sexuality isn’t binary with a person being either homosexual or heterosexual (and how does that account for bisexualilty?) ; it is more like a range of shades and all of us fall somewhere along the scale. Oh perhaps we even move up and down the scale at various points in our lifetime. Note now I’m talking about orientation not actual action so for the more conservative-minded, I’m not accusing you of doing anything that could shock you. And if you follow my belief it means that each of us is capable of feeling attraction for any other human being, male or female at any point of time in our life. I’ve written about my own bi-curiosity (as Desiblogging termed it) before. I’m quite unabashed in my admiration of other women. But I find it stops right there and I have no desire (physical, hormonal or otherwise) to go any furthur than that. That in my mind is what determines my orientation and keeps me in the dating pool of male partners.
How do you distinguish the affinity and closeness that like-minded women share from sexual attraction? How far do you go with someone you think there could be a spark of attraction with? How close do you get to someone you suspect might be attracted to you?
And therein I find I’m back on the same territory as I was a few years back when I discovered the opposite sex, attraction and love. Friendship is so wonderfully simple but the hormones just come and complicate them all, don’t they?
To come back to the case in point, my lovely lady friend appears to be in a relationship as well. How do I know? No, she hasn’t mentioned that either but it is clearly visible to anyone who knows her well. I wish I could speak up and tell her how happy I am that she has found someone special. When her eyes light up at the mention of her girlfriend, I wish I could tease her and hug her in sheer glee. But I don’t.
I also wonder sometimes what her girlfriend thinks of me. Just as I wonder what the wives and girlfriends of my guy friends think of me and I walk around on eggshells until I’m totally, completely 120% sure that they have no qualms about my closeness – I wonder in this case too whether her girlfriend ever resents me or even, well, frowns a bit at our closeness. Oh well, I think not. She seems a good sort in herself and I’m guessing if I had known her before I’d have been friends with her as well.
So to answer my own question of whether it is possible for a straight and a lesbian woman to be friends. Yes, yes, I think so. After all, sexuality is physical and perhaps mental but friendship, love and loyalty come straight from the heart.
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Completely agree with you about us all being at various points on the scale between homosexuality and heterosexuality at different stages of life. What we choose to do with it is a different matter. Just like we may be attracted to several members of the opposite sex, but not necessarily take each attraction to a definite conclusion.
To answer your question: Yes. Till the lesbian version of “Maine Pyaar Kiya” comes around
But seriously, will the women attribute same motives to the other women as men who get “too close” to them?
Very well said.
I was recently at an all-women’s conference on sexuality, being attended by quite a few lesbian women. And although there were advances and even a proposal, I didn’t in the least feel uncomfortable with any of them.
Hehe… Maybe I have a lesbian streak, although I think I too would fall in your bracket – of admiring women and their attractiveness. Yet, irrespective of my sexuality, most lesbian women I have come across, give out a feeling of comfort and vibes of much more warmth than one would possibly get from a male friend who is attracted to you.
Hey I think so too… two of my really good friends are in a relationship.. both came from conservative brahmin backgrounds, both walked out on bad marriages, found they were comfortable with their sexual preferences, came out and dealt with disbelieving families ( aunty actually asked her ” eppdi maa panradu?”) and now live together in NY and are having a blast….it didn’t feel weird or any different … when it came to relationship advice when i was going thru a tough phase – they always felt that “my next relationship” should be with a woman, coz no guy will ever be able to understand me as well… Grin!
I don’t know if they can. What does the straight woman look like?
Hi . I’m a lesbian and have recently ‘come out’ to a female ’straight’ work colleague who I had been attracted to as well as forming a friendhsip. She’s leaving work soon and that prompted a surge of emotion on my part and the need to let her know how I felt. She was fine with it and even flattered that I had written songs about her (!) and happy to keep as friends. I’ve always felt that she feels more for me then she admits and now I’ve gone too far by freaking her out with a poem expressing my feelings of desire for her and she doesn’t want to have anything personal to do with me anymore. I’m miserable – one because I have fallen for her but two and even more importantly I miss her friendship and hate to leave things like this. I deperately want to make up before she goes but can’t see her being receptive/approachable.
Can someone advise me – should I just leave it even though it pains me terribly and I don’t think she’s happy either?
By the way I relate to the idea of scales of 1 – 10 , shades of grey , boxes in some instances are appropriate but scales are much more true to reality of human sexulaity in my opinion. All of my relationships with woman in my life have been unconventional ’straight trying it out’, ‘bi’. ‘don’t really know – it’s the person that counts’…do i gravitate towards straight woman too much and invite misery…?! You could say I’m a box – always been aware of my gayness and acted upfront to it (writing love letters to my female school teacher at age 10 !!) but i have had crushes on guys at school and had sex once with male when really randy – but although sexually may get aroused by males (fantasy/very rarely) I can’t connect emotionally – could never love a man but woman leave me breathless….
its conceptually the same as being friends with a bloke no? there are some you are attracted to and others are friends.
guess so – but I only have male friends through work/music and emotionally / sexually my radar is completely off otherwise .
Since last mail we’ve come to a ‘forget and move-on’ agreement which had me bouncing off the walls with relief/delight for couple of days but I know once she’s left I’m going to feel completely deflated and gutted. I’ve got to stop wearing my heart on my sleave especially for ’straight’ women but then isn’t love about free expression….?
At the end of the day you don’t choose the person you’re going to connect with or fall for the chemistry/attraction just presents itself and I don’t think anyone can truly control the roller-coaster of emotions which follow. Love is a ridiculously, wonderful thing and I guess nothing has or willl ever change throughout the history of mankind…….
Very well said.. I havent had the chance of facing this as of now… but yeah its going to be strange when it happens… dont know how ill deal with it…
This complicated issue is being discussed more and more, and I’m glad. I’m 48 and have had this conundrum occur countless times over the past 30 years. The crux of the problem is that, yes, sexuality does occur on a continuum. Society makes one choose straight or gay. But life is messy. To the responders who equated lesbians with straight men: that’s much too simple. Lesbians are bot men without penises — they’re women.
As regards your friend, there is no simple answer here. The issues in your friendship will be resolved over time. Good luck!
I’m a lesbian who has a straight woman friend! We hugged each other when we meet and leave, we even hold hands (which is acceptable in our culture) in public. My answer is yes, a straight woman can be friends with lesbian. We chit chats like any other females do! My girlfriend had not met this friend of mine since she work odd hours but she also hugs her straight friends and all it matters is the feeling of the two of you!
@ Banno, Monsoon, Maya, Italiana, Tina: Here’s to the freedom of our choices!
@ Amey: The question is should we? And how do we distinguish?
@ 2lesbosgoinatit: Not too different from lesbians I imagine.
@ Jessie: I’m sorry to hear that. The heartbreak of not having your affection reciprocated is universal but you have the additional burden of unfair biases. Not every woman is open to the idea of homosexuality and I guess it would freak some women out to be the object of another woman’s attentions. Take heart though, most of the women I spoke to (and look at the comments here as well) did not sound biased.
@ Nova: Perhaps you already are in the situation and don’t know it. My advice if I may offer it is to not make too much of a big deal of it. Friendship should ideally be far above attraction which is fleeting. And I’d say you owe it to your friend to be understanding of her feelings and supportive of her choices.
@ Tina, Jessie: I really want to thank you for your comments. As a straight woman I can only guess at some of your thoughts but it looks like we really aren’t that different except for our respective individualities.
Well,
Let me get put my comment like a ‘Post Secret’ postcard !
I am a straight gal, I guess…though, me and my best friend we have made out ! Yeah, done everything. We both used to long for each other in more ways than emotional. It was nice, meeting every day and no one even getting a hint of what you doing inside the closed room! But down the years, we have been apart. We still maintain that we love each other and all, but she is over the ‘physical’ factor whereas I do miss her and the relationship we shared. It burns my heart to not be with her and I miss her and fantasize about her. The funny thing is, we can’t tell about this to anyone. And these feelings that we have, is just for each other, she likes guys, will marry someone soon and I like guys too…but when it comes to her, my heart just melts away.
When I read the title, it somehow attracted me, somewhere I could relate to it. So all I can say is, if this happens, it would be like the lesbian partner is compromising on her feelings a lot but she would still do it, cos it means being with her !!!!!!!
@ Been there…: Thank you for sharing that. It makes my post much richer, hearing the other side of it.
[...] actually is the first time I’m making an online connection with a lesbian girl. I thought back to my friend MJ. I didn’t know she was a lesbian when we first met and neither of us actively pursued the [...]
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